What A Bad Week Looks Like

This entry is not about travel, nor is it purposely entertaining. It is about adventure, I suppose. Adventures in Major Depression. Wompwomp.

So some of you who've read a bit of this blog and some of you who just flat out know me know that I've been struggling with major depression. It's been coming and going as it pleases for about the past 10 years, leaving casualties in it's wake, including weight fluctuations, social isolation, near loss of jobs, and worst of all a serious case of poor self worth.

With that said, it's been a bad week. I'm not usually one to broadcast my business, or even talk candidly about it, but I'm trying to get better at looking for support. I find that as I grow older, attention actually makes me uncomfortable, particularly from strangers. Although, perhaps that's just part of the depression talking as well. Anyway, I'm also trying to get better at telling people when I need to talk, and about asking for help, both of those concepts are for some reason incredibly tricky, despite my pretty solid phone-away-from-home support system. But I thought it was time to journal again, and for some reason it seemed like a good idea to make it public. It was probably a terrible idea, sorry in advance.

My depression can be disabling, and I find that highly embarassing to cope with and admit to people. I don't know how many times I've said things to myself such as "Stop being lazy." or "Get over it." And the old, self-abusive favorite, "You can do better than this, what the fuck is wrong with you?" No one is as hard on you as you are on yourself. Part of me still doesn't understand why I'm like this, and I think that despite the many neuroscience books I've read, countless therapy sessions and discussion with people who also have depression there is something about this disease that doesn't make any fucking sense.

Anyone who has never before experienced major depression firsthand may have a very hard time understanding the situation. Often, they automatically think you are being lazy and you can change if you reaaaaally want to, you just aren't trying hard enough.

Really??? Do you know me at all? Do you know how hard I've tried and succeeded at so many, many things in my life? I have overcome adversity on more than one occasion. I have the capacity to succeed, and I have the know-how to do so as well. Don't you think that if I could have fixed myself overnight I would have? I promise you, I do not enjoy this. Every single bad day, the big thought that keeps me going is that somehow, someday I will be myself again, or at least a better version than I am now. But even that I hardly believe sometimes. Those are the really bad days.

Some people also scoff at the idea that it's disabling. Honestly it's not a word I would have used previously to describe my situation, but I had a bit of a revelation this weekend. I worked on Sunday and I had the pleasure of working with a man who was a wonderful human being with some significant cognitive deficits. His sister was telling me all about how he neglects many normal everyday activities, as if not recognizing them as priorities. Basic human routines, such as eating and sleeping, bathing and going to the bathroom. Sometimes he just forgets that any of that is important.

Well, shit if that doesn't sound familiar. I have a miserable ass headache today, and you want to know what? I gave it to myself. I'm mega dehydrated. Water, the substance of life. I deemed it less important than doing the dishes. I have been avoiding drinking water at home because the dishes in my sink were piled too high to get water out of the faucet without making (more of) a gigantic mess. So instead, I just didn't drink. Nor did I cook. I went out and bought throw-away plates and bowls and cups and plastic cultery so I wouldn't have to do the dishes. A sigh of relief, at least for 25 more meals.

Normal lucid brain say what the fuuuuck??

Yep. Also, I am pretty sure I own more underwear and socks than anyone else I know, because whenever I run out of clean ones, I just go by some more. Laundry seems an insurmountable, impossible and unimportant task. Doing dishes seems less important than having drinking water. Just a few examples from my everyday Adventure in Major Depression.

Ok, clearly something is wrong here. I know it, you know it now, my cats know it, the guy at Target who sees me buying socks in bulk weekly probably knows it too. But knowing the problem does not fight the battle, nevermind win it. When I have these times of realization, that I'm wasting my life sleeping on my couch, gaining back weight that I've lost and being completely isolated, that's when I am the meanest to myself. I know it's clearly not the right way to deal with things, especially since it's not working. I don't feel better or more motivated when I call myself a lazy, fat fuck. Funny, you'd think that'd really motivate me. -_- Clearly I know better, but clearly I do not do better. There's the disconnect.

I'm working on it. I'm working on all of it, all of the time, 24/7. Some days just getting out of bed is "working on it." And luckily, today is one of those days that I have some hope that someday, working on it will be good enough, working on it will be working towards something and I'll start to feel better. After all, wearing new, clean sox is better than wearing no sox or dirty sox, so at least I've made some progress there. The concept of feeling better is grasped, it's the execution that's a little elusive. Sweet Princess Diaries quote right there.

Erin comes to visit tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to the respite from my own mind. And we'll do lots of fun stuff that I'll post about, I'm sure. Hopefully sooner rather than later so this isn't the first post you see on my blog. But thanks for bearing with me.

Pew, Pew, Pew! I do what I want.

Here I am! Less than 2 weeks later. WAT IS THIS. I'm working dilligently on exploring, experiencing and crossing shit off of the PNW TO DO list. I start off a good portion of my days right now feeling like Bilbo Baggins. Here are my adventures from the past week and a half. Brace yourself, pictures are coming.

A big part of my to do list involves outside activites, like some of the more interesting Seattle City Parks. Did you know that there are over 400? I originally thought what about going to them all? That was until I read how many there were and I was like eeeffff that noise! So, I narrowed it down to a mere 12. I've already been to quite a few, but last week was my first time at Carkeek Park. I was highly impressed!



Super nice sunset over the Olympics. There was a guy praying at the top of the trail, and I stopped and listened for awhile. Then we had a heart to heart. I don't know his name, but it was a good talk.









This tree was so big I could climb all around inside of it's stump. Neat-o! 



Taking a break from forests and nature, concerts and live music are always on my to do list. Unlike when I went to Imagine Dragons, the two concerts I went to last week I did not have a seat for. Therefore, I put away my phone and just dug in, standing in the always-too-tall crowd, knowing full well that someone else would have taken better pictures than I ever could that would be quite representative of the joy and excitement I experienced during each show. I love being a know-it-all, because the pictures are pretty brilliant.    



Young the Giant





My delicious Indian Minstrel.



Dan from Bastille, rocking a grey hoodie...

And a nearly perfect Flock of Seagulls.

He disappeared from the stage and ended up in the crowd walking around signing. Luckily Zach pointed it out and I seemed to notice before too many folks in our area, because I squeed my way right up next to him. Twice! Thanks, internet stranger, for capturing a smidge of my face in this picture. Can you see me??

Then, some more nature. I went to Kubota Gardens, which is one of the public parks in South Seattle. It is a super nice Japanese garden. I went on a Friday night and had the place pretty much to myself.



Magnolia trees are some of my favorites in the PNW!



This is François the Blue Heron. A fancy bird with a fancy name!



François en flight



François, a still life.

Gahhh so pretttty!

Then came the weekend. Before I get to some of the bigger weekend trips, I'm going to do some of the smaller stuff on my list. Pinball Museum time! It's a combo museum/arcade, where you pay a certain price and you can get in and play any of the pinball machines (and a variety of other older arcade games, like Tetris and Asteroids). Steve and I went on Saturday and it was pretty rad.

 

WakkaWakka

Hey! That's me!!

This one goes out to Justin.

Oldest working machine in the place.

And now for a series of pictures entitled "I'm way better at taking pictures of Steve than he is at taking pictures of me"





Boobies!

  



You can't beat me at asteroids. Wait wat are you doing?



"I can't play and look at you at the same time." "Well, just do it, you look lame if I take a picture and you're not playing."

"Hey! Take a picture of me owning at Tetris" "You own nothing and this is the worst. Click"

-_-

Overall I'd love to go back and just sit and play Asteroids and Tetris all day. I probably will go back again before I leave.
The last activity I decided I would cram into this manic must-do-new-things-fest it was a good time of year to go up to the Tulip festival. I had heard about this, and then Lori posted some sort of "Best of America" list and this spot made cut. And who else to bring along on hours of sitting in a car stuck in traffic than Miss Mo!  It was delightful despite the traffic. All the mountains were out and we got some sweet shots!

The two prettiest tulips in the fields!

Mt Baker was a lovely backdrop

And the fields were so very vibrant!

Now for the winner of this month's Super Random Award: this old school bus overflowing with rubber bands.

The runners up for the SRA include this mini donkey farm. I want one!

And these Ice Cream Cones that didn't know the meaning of modesty.

That's it for the past two weeks. I imagine my exploits will wind down slightly, seeing as many of my ideas involve long weekends and vacations days, which happen to be in short supply during the healthcare summer. Love you all in the deep places of your soul. 

In Which Renton is Simulatneously Sketchington and Progressville

Two blogs in one day. WHAT?!

Just a quick one. Mostly pictures so you don't have to use your word-reading eyes. I wanted to share some photographies. A quick shot at the last year and my more recent exciting exploration exploits. Also I forgot to swear in the blog, so prepare yourselves for my unleashing.

Last summer Kate and the kiddos came out to see me but I can't find the goddamn pictures anywhere! Boo. Just imagine baby koalas playing laser tag. That's how adorable it was.

Then it was my birthday and Bonnie came out! Here are some pictures of that adventure.

Let's put gum on the gum wall!!

 

Birthday Drinks at Needle and Thread Speakeasy

Aaand then I took a quick trip to Spokane to see Katie and Matt. Definetly going to return out there to explore some more and see these quality folks! 

 

This is about how things looked to me, too.

Then I did Thanksgiving with Marie and Zach, where I ate my first meat entree in over 10 years. I love meat.

Christmas was spent in the 603, including an overnight trip to Boston with my loveliest sister, where we stayed in a fancy hotel...

and went to Mount Auburn Cemetary where I spotted this gem at the top of the hill.

 

My mother's living room at Christmas. Most comforting room ever.

Then back to Seattle, where rain and fog reign supreme.

 

And on a day of sun, my car was towed, allowing me to walk 3 miles to get it back and find this nifty spot under the highway.

 

It's quite intricate and really fucking unexpected. Super cool!

 

Theeen I went to see Imagine Dragons and got some of the better concert shots I've ever taken.

 

And Momma Bear Visited, during which it rained mostly, and we went to Vancouver and hiked around at the Capilano suspension bridge. I had a great time and was super glad to do something new together!

 

And Justin made a sort of last minute trip out, during which we did not take many pictures and only one of the two of us at the top of the Space Needle. His visit out here was by far the most successful visit I've ever had in terms of exploring and showing him Lora's Seattle. A different place for coffee and beer at least daily, lots of cool sightseeing, and overall it was incredibly fun.

 

Since then I've had a few random adventures, including getting soda from the now infamous Haunted Soda Machine, which happens to be right down the street from me. Chcek out my mystery selections!

 

 

And now, as reference to my title, I have driven the same road to work hundreds of times. My office is in a suburb city south of Seattle called Renton. Renton is typically not known to be the best area for... outdoor recreation. Or cleanliness. Or general safety. But to my surprise, there are a few hidden gems, including this guy:

A wetlands garden directly off my route home, just outside multiple office parks, hidden away with no sign that it's there, I just happened to need to take a walk after work and ended up meandering up to the entrance. What cool little spot! This how to correctly deal with water treatment, watershed and wetland ecology.

 

And just for shits and giggles. No parking: hellawasted.

 

And there's a skull in my beer. Or there was before I drank it. Is that a bad omen?

 

Hope not, because I have a lot more shit to check out.